I'm trying to find courage.
It's harder than it sounds.
Winston Churchill said,
"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
I've stood up and spoken; I've sat down and listened. Neither has gotten me very far.
What is the sound of a single heart breaking?
It is not loud and monumental, it is not the roar of a lion in the jungle as he fights for his last breath.
It is quiet, silent and stifling, hiding behind a smile that is painted on for the world to see.
What is the sound of a love's last breath?
Is it the gasping sigh of ease and absolution, full of knowledge that it had loved at all, disregarding any lingering dispute and resentment for having lost in love in the first place?
Or is it the heartwrenching sound of a ragged sob before being torn away from the tender embrace of what used to be?
Or, still yet, is it the quiet, gentle letting go, more significant than any monsoon but with no more power than the flutter of a butterfly's wing?
There is such shame in losing; but is there shame in walking away? When enough is enough, who is stronger: the one who dies in the losing battle or the one who lives to fight another day?
I hate feeling secondary in my own life.
I hate that I've become unimportant in my own story.
It sounds so stupid and selfish and so woe is me. I've become a Best Supporting Actress in my own life. I don't even feel like a Meryl Streep; more like a Tilda Swinton, only without thee possibility of a win because my George Clooney isn't George Clooney, more like Quentin Tarantino minus the luck and the ugly mouth.
I hate that I've let others consume me and push me aside, that t.ie let other people and other things take precedence over me and what helps to make me grow. I hate that I have to find myself amongst a sea of everyone else.
Maybe when I get past the anger I'll be able to find the positive, the siIver linings. Like how I will definitely come out of this rut a better, stronger person. Like how I will have learned to (finally) put myself first, make myself a priority while still balancing the people and situations I find myself in. And maybe I'll be able to love myself a little more, too.
Or I can just drown myself in weed and alcohol until I don't give damn a anymore.
You can try and try and try and try but when it's not good enough then what's the point?
Maybe the problem is that I'm trying too hard? Because Lord only knows I'm not not trying.
Whatever it is, I'm sick of not getting results. I'm sick of feeling unappreciated and undervalued by the people in my life whom I respect and whose opinion matters to me. I'm sick of the short end of the stick coming from people who are supposed to be helping me grow as a human being. I hate that I'm gleaning superficial confidence from things I believe are common courtesy, but are seen as minor miracles by everyone else. l hate that I dread waking up in the morning because I know that today is going to be just as bad as yesterday, if not entirely worse.
Most of all, though, l hate that I let myself be affected by it all. I never used to be like this, so... co-dependent on other people. Its'strange and uncomfortable, like wearing wool when it's too hot.
I. Don't. Like. It.
Now I'm tying to figure out whether or not it's just me being oversensitive or if this is really an issue that I need to bring up. But how do you even start a conversation like that?
"Hi, I love you but I can no longer be around you because you treat me like shit and I don't appreciate it and I swore to myself that I wouldn't let myself be treated like this ever again."
Yeah, that'd go down just super.
I know I'm stronger than stuffing my feelings away but who am I to try and challenge the status quo? There's an establisted pecking order here, and I'm pretty far down the line.
Maybe I'll just keep on trying and see where that leads me.
"At night when the stars light up my room, I sit by myself talking to the moon, trying to get to you, in hopes you're on the other side talking to me, too. Or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon?"
Days like today, especially today, I feel like this. Is this what prayer is like? Faith? Religion? Belief in general?
I don't like it.
